


Apologia

by Chanson_de_Sirene



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Reader-Insert, Red String of Fate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:54:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23695750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chanson_de_Sirene/pseuds/Chanson_de_Sirene
Relationships: Erwin Smith/Reader
Kudos: 19





	Apologia

You watched as the minute hand on the clock slowly ticked down the clock face to announce that it was ten till midnight. It felt like time had come to a standstill as you watched it count down the minutes, stuttering a bit each time. From where you sat on the chair, it seemed as if you were glued there, half hoping that it wasn’t going to go on like you knew it would. Turning to glance at the door, you wished it would open and _he_ would walk through. But he didn’t.

You eyed the plates in front of you without really feeling anything. You had worked hard on making his favorite food that his beloved mother had made for him as a child, despite knowing it was worthless. You had even managed to pull a promise from him that he would be home when he said he would. But the other side of the table sat empty and cold, while the food cooled and went to waste. 

What was even the point anymore? Why did you continue to do this? It wasn’t worth this. Erwin didn't love you like he used to. There were no more lingering touches nor attempts to catch your hands just to hold them. No more random softened gazes in your direction when he thought you weren’t looking and no excuses to stay by your side. Now he seemed to avoid you at any chance he got, using work or friends as an excuse. 

Dinners were eaten late, then later until not at all. They sat, cold and soggy in the microwave until that too came to an end. You went to bed first, felt him lay down next to you hours later and when you woke, Erwin was gone. Long gone were the days where he would wake you up with breakfast in bed, with a rose that smelled so sweet and kiss you despite how terrible your morning breath was and how creased your face was from the pillow.

You looped the red string tied to your pinky around your index finger. Everyone had told you were blessed to have found him, that most people went their whole lives without their soulmate. But what was the point if this was the end result? You were left to the sidelines while Erwin lived his life, ignored and forgotten until you were of use.

Letting out a deep sigh, you took the plate off the table and slid the food into the trash. You shuffled off to the bathroom, slipping out of your clothes along the way before stepping into the steaming hot shower. You felt nothing as the water poured down your face and body. No thoughts that flashed through your head. Really, if you had to admit it to yourself, you were tired. 

God, were you tired.

When you had had enough of standing under the near scalding stream of water, you forced yourself to shut it off. You lingered there, in the steamy, humid heat of the bathroom, trying to find the will to just _move_. You didn't want to catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. You didn't want to see your tear stained face, you didn't want to see your bloodshot eyes. Because then you would have to admit to yourself that this hurt you more than you wanted to acknowledge. How did that saying go? Ignorance was bliss? Avoidance was also bliss and that was the state you wanted to live in. If you only ignored it, the pain would lessen.

The bed, so large and cold now that Erwin wasn’t there, only made you feel worse. In the dim light of bedside lamp, you could see the red string coiling away into the distance. No amount of pulling would lessen the slack; he wasn’t going to feel it anyway. Wouldn’t it be better to cut it and free yourself? It would be simple. Just pay a small fee and the Cutters would free you from your misery.

You weren't sure how long you had laid there in your bed, toying with the string. It felt velvety and smooth to the touch, slack no matter how much you coiled it around your fingers. Other than its impossibility to remove from your finger, it was much the same as any other high quality string. You couldn't even remember your life before seeing it. Before Erwin's appearance in your life, everything before was a blurred mess. 

You're on the cusp of sleep when the main door slides open and Erwin comes in. He has the decency to look apologetic once he realizes that your awake. As he loosens his tie with his back half turned to you, he tries to give you a smile, but it's more of a grimace. There's lipstick on his collar, poorly hidden and quickly obscured so the evidence isn't in your face. Even so far away, you can smell her perfume on his shirt, his coat, his skin.

It makes you wonder, was this the first time it’s happened? All those nights when you stayed at the dinner table, waiting for him to walk in, were they together? Or did it finally come to a head now? Did those lingering touches and burning glances finally turn to something more? Just because you and Erwin were bound to each other didn’t mean anything.

“I—I thought you were already asleep.”

The tie comes off with his shirt following closely behind. If Erwin Smith was anything, it was a near embodiment of the ideal body. He was handsome, with a face that anyone would fall for. When he spoke there was a charisma that pulled you in and made you believe that anything he wanted was your idea and should be heeded. Tall, lean, with muscles that had just the right definition, men and women swooned at the sight of him. The muscles of his back flex as Erwin bent down to undo his pants. Any other time you would have reacted like a love sick schoolgirl. There was something raw and sensual about a man's back and seeing him like this would caused your stomach to burst into a flurry of butterflies. But now? You felt nothing.

“There was a problem with the data today at the office.” His voice had a slight tremble to it, as if he was unsure whether his lie was believable or not. Erwin slipped into a pair of pajama pants as he continued, not quite looking at you as he did. “I had to stay behind with a few of the core members to help mitigate the damage.”

You said nothing. As he slipped into bed beside you, you turn away from him, stiff and rigid as he tried to wrap his arm around your waist. It stays there for a second, two, before it’s gone and you feel him shift away. The string on your pinky tightens as he does, but you think nothing of it. Perhaps in the morning you’ll find a Cutter to end your misery?

“I know I promised you I’d be home earlier.” The lights have been turned off and it’s dark in the bedroom. It’s so quiet between the two of you that you can hear every breath Erwin takes. You can hear the emotion in his voice, you can feel the struggle he makes as he tries not to embrace you in his arms. “I know it's been happening a little often. I’ll—I’ll make it up to you tomorrow.”

The string on your pinky grows taut. It feels slightly warm against your skin and glimmers in the dark. With each word he speaks, the string feels like it’s coming alive, but you know that’s impossible. This wasn’t some romanticized novel meant for young teens discovering their first love.

Erwin moved closer again, with his arm slowly coming back around your waist. You feel his breath on the back of your neck, feel his lips press a slow kiss to the junction between your neck and shoulder. The perfume is still there - a cloying, sickly scent that fills your nostrils and causes your heart to stutter.

“I know I hurt you, (Name). I let other things get in the way of us.”

Erwin pauses, voice fading away into nothing when you don’t respond. You’re pressed a little harder against his body as his arms tighten around you. You know he wants you to say something, but your tongue refuses to move. Your lips are sealed shut. There's no moisture in your throat to force out the words. The string on your pinky is hot now, almost burning. It feels like your finger will be seared through.

“I’ll be better. I swear. I'll change.”

The raw regret in his voice is almost palpable. Despite Erwin's previous words, you know it's more than a simple continuation of his lie. The weight of his apology is heavier than anything a late night away at the office would warrant. It's clear what he means. Whatever he's done, tonight or any time before this night, he's truly sorry. It hurts you to hear it and despite everything, you almost forgive him. He's your soulmate, your other half. You want to, you truly do. It sounds sincere, but who knows? What was the point in false hope?

“So, please. Forgive me.”


End file.
